About a month ago, I fell down a deep hole into the land of depression. Waking up on a Tuesday morning I was surprised to feel as if I couldn’t move – that the thought of moving was simply too much to deal with.
The days that followed, I tired easily after performing simple tasks. I would rev myself up to teach class, a smile plastered to my face, and then leave the studio despondent, teary for no real good reason, and wiped out once again.
And though my husband urged me to maybe get some help. And my closest friends were there to support me, I really couldn’t rally. I was the opposite of me. And that’s when I knew I was possibly on to something – that’s when I knew I was not in the middle of a break down, I was in the middle of a breakthrough.
From the outside most people would call it a break down, not a breakthrough, but I have been here before and I know there will probably be times that I will be here again. Though everything seemed to hurt, though I felt like I was walking around with needles sticking out of every pore of my skin and my eyes filled with tears no matter how much I told them to please stop already, I knew I had to go through the feelings and the pain to emerge on the other side. I knew there would be a lesson to learn from this time, though I had no idea what it was.
The depression seemed to come on quickly, but to be honest, it had been looming since the beginning of the year. I felt so much pressure to get the book published, and then there was pressure once it was released. There were the ups and downs of new business opportunities, social media stats to consider, websites to update, and teams of people I didn’t want to disappoint in any way. I felt pulled in every direction and little by little I was pulled to focus more on the external instead of the internal.
And then I started to dive into my meditation practice. I knew I needed it. When I committed to sitting every day, things seemed to get better, lighter. Until the sadness took over. I fought it off and pushed it aside, but it stayed and grew heavier with each day. On my worst day, I still sat down and tried to breathe through it. The tools I needed to pull myself up out of this hole had to be in there somewhere.
It was day three of feeling like hell that I found the answers. A quiet voice rose up from the stillest part of me and whispered, “You’ve got it all wrong. It’s not about outward success. Your job in this world is to be Love and to receive Love. That’s it. You knew this before and it’s time for you to know this again.”
Was I instantly my happy, go lucky, let’s change the world one yoga class at a time self? No. I still had a few weeks of licking my wounds a bit. I was not my normal self, whatever that means. But I’m actually glad it happened.
How would I know what happy, or joyous, or excited even feel like if I didn’t go through times that are the exact opposite of those feelings? And how would I get to learn more about my Self if there weren’t moments when I had to question everything I believe about the world that I’m creating?
Today I feel more dialed into my life than I was before. I believe it’s because I’m keeping it simple. I am here to be Love and to receive Love in whatever form is right for me. And in my heart I know that is enough to create the journey of a lifetime.
Love the blog? You will love the book- available in Paperback, Kindle, and Audio Book on Amazon, Audible, & iTunes! Follow my yoga journey and the accomplishments of five of my students, as well as, recount some of the most popular blog posts in my first book: Views from the Podium: The Life & Times of a Hot Yogi.
Be in the know! To get the latest updates from Tori including upcoming workshops, news, events, private instruction, and book info, go to: torihicksglogowski.com and join the email list at the bottom of the page. Great things are in the works – don’t miss out!